im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
