I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
