i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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