I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Randomize
