I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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