he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
