I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
