i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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