So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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