Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
