question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
