My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
