i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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