I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Even my vagina gasped.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
40s are totally the cure
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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