It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
