woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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