shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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