YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
