Don't you send me to vm
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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