In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
