btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
