I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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