y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
