someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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