Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
