This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
