phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
