I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
