The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
