I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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