You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
