The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
