She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
