I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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