Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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