The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How naked do you want me to be?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
