So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
