I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I need to stop coming to work sober
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
