U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
