i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
