Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
