I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm at about main and main street
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
