I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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