apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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