youre lurking in front of me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
