After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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