Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
