I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
