Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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