Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
