Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
