is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I wish there were birth control emojis
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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