I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
