My liver just broke up with me...
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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