You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have aggressive nipples.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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