You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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