Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Even my vagina gasped.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
