i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
as a side note pls kill me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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