I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
