You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection