I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober