It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!