did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
