Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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