I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
