and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
