things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
