Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
