She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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