i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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