I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
